Enjoyment Guide to Gears of War 3

"Anxiety has kept me from enjoying this game in [multiplayer] for a while, but after reading your guide I've relaxed and have been happily enjoying Onyx Guard Oatmeal" 

-Lloyd Walls, aka Torgoth, a valued reader. 

A while back I said I was going to start writing Happiness Guide for games. The name has since changed to Enjoyment Guides. If you can think of a better one put it in the comments. Essentially what an Enjoyment Guide is is a strategy guide for being as happy as possible while playing a particular game.

This is my first Enjoyment Guide. I hope it helps you enjoy your time with Gears of War 3 even more.

Gears of War 3 came out on September 20th and if you haven't picked it up yet you're missing out.

Gears of War 3 is a lot of fun but like almost every game out there, especially games that you spend a lot of time playing online, it has a pretty big potential to send you into a fit of gamer rage or frustration.

That's where this Enjoyment Guide comes in.

ONLINE VERSUS

Let's start with online multiplayer, where I would guess a majority of your frustration will manifest.

You're going to die.

So don't get mad when you do. If you didn't ever die in multiplayer that would... well that would mean you are the best Gears player ever to be born; the chosen one that the prophecy foretold of.

In the mean time, you're just going to have to accept the fact that you're going to die in multiplayer. If you're not mature enough to handle that, maybe go play Uno or something.

And on the topic of dying in online multiplayer, odds are your death will be dealt by the sawed off shotgun. Because it's a very easy weapon to use, and very powerful. The sawed off shotgun is in fact, what grinds my gears (see what I did there?) the most in versus multiplayer.

Thanks to this handy video, you should be able to avoid it most of the time.

This video has helped me deal with the sawed off menace and hopefully it will help you.

Whether you choose to use the sawed off or not, that's just personal preference. In the end you're going to be turned into hamburger more times than you can count while playing online so you had better learn to roll with the punches.

Figure out which two starting weapons work for you the best.

One way of coping with in-game death is with humor. If my head gets shot off, I almost always laugh. Because the Gears of War headshot is just awesome.

But my favorite way of having fun with all the death and destruction in Gears is to name all the deaths, whether it is my own death or that of an enemy or teammate, after foods.

Yep.

I gib someone with my shotgun: Locust Linguini.

My teammate gets chainsawed: Dom Stew.

I get mortared: Hoffman Happy Meal.

Prescott Panini, Samantha Burger, Anya Casserole, and so on. you get the picture. It's entertaining to come up with culinary descriptions for the bloody mayhem in Gears of War. (Or maybe I'm just crazy.)

Big Head Mode is always good fun

Another way to avoid frustration online is to ignore people. Most of the people who use headsets online don't have many encouraging or pleasant things to say. So ignore them.

Using a mic can be a good way to make new friends online and find people who are actually nice and fun to play with, but often times you're just going to get an earful of little kid or douchebag.

Use a mic at your own discretion. Whatever you do, don't let dicks get to you.

Playing online is always more fun with friends.  If you make friends over Xbox Live to play with that's great, or if you have friends from the real world that play Gears 3 online, be sure sure to play with them as often as you can.

You're far less likely to get frustrated at the game if you're playing with someone you know.

If versus is giving you a hard time, try playing in bot matches. Playing against bots is a good way to practice using different weapons and honing your skills. Bot matches can also end up being a lot of fun because generally you can steamroll them and get a lot of points.


Gears of War 3 lets you choose a title to display next to your name in multiplayer lobbies. Choose one that reflects your play style. I boast the K/D Indifferent title because I'm in it for fun, and it's not a big deal to me if someone steals one of my kills. You shouldn't get worked up if someone steals one of your kills either.

I have seen players yell and quit matches because someone took a single kill from them. Wow. It's not a big deal. Most of the times kills are stolen by accident. Don't worry about it. You get plenty of points regardless.


If you get too fed up with the versus multiplayer try out Horde or Beast modes. These modes are a lot of fun and you're far less likely to run into unruly people because the purpose of the game modes is to work together.

CAMPAIGN

The campaign in Gears of War 3 is the best out of the series and even better if you play co-op. Playing cooperatively allows you and up to 3 other players to watch each other's backs and work together.

If you don't know anyone who will play co-op with you, fret not. You can join a game online with random people so you'll never have to play campaign by yourself if you don't want to.

If you join a game of Arcade Mode campaign odds are you'll even find yourself in a game that has mutators enabled. I found myself in a game with a laugh track, so every time someone died a sitcom-like laugh track would play. It was hilarious.

There are also a bunch of great easter eggs to find in Gears of War three, such as the Sawed off Chicken arcade machine.

And always remember what you're doing.


Enjoy Gears of War 3

Enjoy your life


Do you have a request for a Enjoyment Guide? Tell me what game you'd like to see have an Enjoyment Guide! Post in the comments or contact me!